Facebook posted a link to “the most viewed Huffington Post blog of all time”. After having read it I went straight to the fridge for a glass of Grüner Veltliner to cool off. I can almost feel the steam hissing out of my ears due to all the stupid. The blog, written by Tracy McMillan, lists six reasons why you are not still married, as if marriage was every woman’s major goal in life. It might be for the author who has managed to wed three times since 19.
After cooling a bit I will try to address these six reasons one by one in my very own way.
1. You’re a bitch
Good. My BFF use to say: ”If they can’t handle me, they don’t deserve me”. That’s a darn good motto. If you can scare the guy away he’s not your match, obviously. Ms McMillan says that men just want to marry someone who is nice to them (as if women don’t want the same thing too) and mentions her 13-year-old son who only wants mac & cheese, video games and a smiling, wiggling, sexy Kim Kardashian. Dear Tracy, I hate to break it to you, but if your son’s only dream wife is some kind of fuckable mom it’s because you made him that way you stupid twat.
2. Your’e shallow
Oh thanks, I really loved this. Character (whatever that is) is essential in a husband so if you haven’t found him yet, it’s because you don’t really want him as men with character are “by definition” willing to commit. Therefore, you are like a teenage girl and men with character don’t marry teenage girls as they are constantly unhappy and suck at cooking. Here comes the fuckable mom again. Dear Tracy, please define what character is, why men with character by definition are willing to commit and what a non-shallow fiancée should be like – in addition to the fuckable mom part.
3. Your’e a slut
And he can never be, right. Here Ms McMillan goes all biological and claims that the evil oxytocin that is released during orgasms will turn you into the forever fuckbuddy as “nature can’t discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen” (sorry, Charlie). I’d like to know how casual sex past a certain age can be like “recreational heroin”. Again, sources please.
I really hate it when women help the patriarchy by slutshaming other women. During life I have overheard many male conversations where women have been described as “sluts” and “whores” simply for doing exactly what the guys in question coerced and coaxed them to do. Men are of course never referred to as sluts or sleep-arounds. They are alpha males, strong and victorious. I once confronted a guy about this and he looked kindly at me as if I was totally stupid and said: “but it’s different. I have a penis and I can wash it carefully, but women have a hole”. I got the feeling that he somehow saw women as toilet bowls to empty himself in as he pleased, but if he ever were to hook up with someone for real, that specific one had to be shiny and new. Thanks, Tracy for helping these guys out.
4. You’re a liar
If you fall in love with some guy who is not ready to commit yet, but still wants to hang around him and be with him your potential unhappiness is your own fault because you have lied to him. If you have not told him up front that you are ready for marriage you are a liar and basically at ease with just having sex for fun while waiting for him to change his mind (which hardly ever happens).
In a way I can agree with Tracy Mc Millan here. Accepting the fuckbuddy role hoping that the guy might change his mind, and change it in your favour, can be a big waste of time. If you can scare him away, he is not the one for you. This is hard to do when you are in love. I know that and nobody, not even Tracy McMillan, has the right to blame you for it.
5. You’re selfish
Oh boy! You’re not married because you are self-centered. If you look after yourself (your physique, your future, your career or whatever) you are not wife material. Instead, you should get a baby to learn how to focus on somebody else but you. Then, all good husbands-to-be (she mentions Brad Pitt and Harrison Ford) will suddenly line up as “motherhood has a way of weeding out lotharios”.
How on earth does this match with the “slut” rule above? You should not have casual sex, but please have a baby with any Tom, Dick or Harry that turns up. Seriously, I need another glass of wine. BRB.
6. You’re not good enough
This is outright cruel. How dare you say to an unmarried woman, any woman, that she is not good enough? Now, Trace immediately cops out by stating that “you are enough right this minute”, but she also says that you should not look for anyone who is “better than you are” because “you can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won’t love your spouse any better than you love yourself”. Smart men know this according to Tracy.
What is Tracy saying here? Is marriage about love or is it about social status? I know that there are loads of male and female gold diggers out there, but I believe that most people want to marry someone they really love. Someone they feel at home with, belong with, can talk to and build a future together with.
Finally, Tracy concludes that marriage is not about getting, it’s about giving and it is you, the woman, who is responsible for the giving. We should “practice loving someone even when they don’t deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to do”. Here comes the fuckable mom again. As long as we give love, without expecting anything in return, to overgrown spoiled little fucktards that never develop mentally beyond the age of five, we might possibly, if we are good and self-sacrificing enough, receive love. Fuck that!